If you haven’t been paying attention, ’tis the season for Spotify to provide all of us with our WRAP….this year in music. I hate this stupid thing and here’s why: no one cares.
Let me wrap this for you: Once upon a time, when people spoke with each other in person instead of posting only what you want others to see and know about your beautiful life, we discussed music. Yes. Songs, albums, song order on an album, album artwork, musicians, liner notes, and who played on what tracks. These days you are told how many minutes you listened, what artists blah blah blah and you are encouraged to share so you can provide Spotify with free advertising on your favorite…..or…..all…social media sites. Interestingly, the year in review goes from January 1-October 31. I guess that is a knock on Mariah’s Christmas song. All Christmas songs for that matter. No matter….as soon as you “share,” you have created an ad for them in addition to paying $10-15 a month to do so and listen to your favorite stuff so the artists can receive a royalty in the amount of a quarter of a half a cent for every 32 streams. Rock on.
Wait, I hear you over there: “Gee Pat, if it’s so annoying, then cancel Spotify and get out your CD’s. Shut up. You’re right…no one cares. YOU are the hypocrite giving them a free POST all about their service.” Guilty. And. Also. Hang on…..
But my loyal readers, that’s not the point. The point is comedy. How about if more apps wrapped your year like this and you shared that too? Hmmmm. (Dream music and wavy graphics here)……Maybe it would look something like this:
- You spent $5,230 on coffee and shitty snack wraps at Starbucks and Dunks. You were in line in your car for 23 hours and 14 minutes and you bitched that the coffee sucked and it was too expensive 54% of the time, but you continue to receive points so that each time you spend $100, you get a free medium.
- Your furthest search on Google maps was 8,465 miles from your home location. What are you running from?
- You spent 8 weeks, 4 days, 12 hours and 32 seconds on Instagram, and 89% of that time was spent sending jokes to your friends. What a waste of time your existence is.
- On Facebook, you spent 53 hours, 28 minutes and 11 seconds creeping on profiles of people that you did not interact with.
- You spent $4,234 on DoorDash, and always checked the box that encourages delivery drivers to use the most environmentally friendly option. You never tipped more than 5%.
- Your longest “Snap Streak” on SnapChat was 43 days with a user named kittykatkingdom.
- You have 11 email accounts and changed passwords 521 times this year.
- Amazon Prime made 355 deliveries to your home address this year. You almost qualified for the delivery a day premium club. To purchase the extra nine days, please login to the Amazon App and pay $50 to get $25 off your prime subscription for 2025. You can also help us use less cardboard by….wait, you can’t. You have no control over anything. We own you. You PAY US to shop for our stuff. You lose.
- You bet $980 on Draft Kings only to lose all of it 5 bucks at a time. When you did win, we gave you bonus bets. The thought here is the same as giving an alcoholic a bar in their pocket. Too easy and simple to access, slowly we will addict you until you can’t stop. Don’t delete the app now though, there’s a sweet parlay waiting for you that can’t miss. Besides, it’s only 5 bucks.
- You watched 20 weeks, 2 days, 1 hour and 32 seconds of TV this year with the following breakdown in your entertainment window:
- Netflix: 12 movies, 32 series, none completed and you posted no reviews.
- Hulu/Disney/etc.: 59 hours of pure crap, and 13 hours of Star Wars.
- Comcast: 230 hours of 24 hour news, peaking around November 5, so we added fictional stories on all news channels to keep you angry and engaged. We also raised your monthly charge because you watch regional sports, which you pay for, but can only view inside your own home. If you go outside, or to a friend’s place, you are out of luck….even though you pay.
- You watched 3245 minutes of Reels on TikTok and 89% of those were posted by people doing silly things with their pets. The other 11% were users bitching about the general state of the world. None of these phone warriors altered your opinion on anything.
- Oh wait, we forgot the music wrap: YOU are a Swifty. Don’t even hide this from your friends. We know that you streamed 2112 minutes of various Taylor Swift songs in 2024. She has assumed control. She has assumed control. She has assumed control
Be sure to smash the like button, subscribe AND turn on notifications, because next week, we will share your Google search history for 2024. You should probably contact your lawyer.
Stay safe, stay awesome, and stay face to face. Put your phone away in the grocery store. No one cares about your conversations that can wait anyway. Who is on the other end of that line? Andy?
Moeschen! 