As most of you know, I spent 27 years in a middle school classroom teaching band instruments, music and life. I’ve shared a lot of what went on in terms of awesome moments, funny moments, heart warming moments and goofy middle school antics. A colleague once summed up the age group perfectly: they are the funniest little creatures on the planet, and you never know what each day will bring.
When I talk with people who have never spent time “in the trenches” of the adolescent classroom, I sometimes share that there was ALWAYS at least one window open in my room, even in the winter. Why? To keep everyone alert, and because it often smelled like B.O.
See…. if we were actually going to indoctrinate the kids, like some of the psychotic politicians are suggesting, my first spell would be cast to force ALL middle school kids to wear deodorant each day. Cleaning under the fingernails would be another one. When helping kids understand where to put their fingers on a saxophone, clarinet or flute, I saw all kinds of hand care, and….not so much hand care. While we are at it, I would hypnotize everyone to clean their lockers. In addition to a slew of papers, I found socks, shoes, all kinds of snacks, sour milk, half eaten sandwiches and soda cans. Starbucks and Dunkin’ cups were also popular items. Mind you, we never went in to the lockers…usually it was a smell or a spill that had us hunt down the kid and ask them to let us into their little metal box. More often than not, they were proud of the mess and told us that their room at home was worse. Lovely.
Another bit of fun surrounded the fact that adolescents are often immature. Scientific studies have shown that there is an imbalance in our teenage brains (no kidding) between the limbic system and rewards system. In short, when we are in our teen years, we often lack impulse control and will yell out anything that might be on our minds. Some of us still do that in our 50’s….or so I have read.
Now, for your pleasure, I provide you with the following events that happened in my classroom. Although most were harmless, they resulted in me using the title of this post….
Me: “OK drums. Look alive back there. Let’s not hurt ourselves as we play this music, ladies and gentlemen. Are we ready?”
Kid: “Sure thing Ho-Moeschen.”
Me: “Get out.”
Me pushing my classroom door all the way open in order to make way for the next class….We had recently removed a student desk from behind the door so it could now swing fully open….
Me: “Wow, I had no idea that it could open that wide.”
Kid: “That’s what she said!”
Me: “Get out.”
Me: “Ladies and gentlemen, today I will regale you with knowledge. By the end of the period, your heads will be swimming, your hearts will be full, and you may weep openly at the beauty of this lesson.”
Kid: “Moeschen, you sound like a crippled version of Shakespeare.”
Me: “Get out.”
Me, about to cut off the 8th grade band since I am hearing a musical equivalent to a train wreck. As I cut them off, one kid playing drums misses my cut off and yells to his friend:
“I’ve taken shits that sound better than we do right now.”
Everyone heard him.
Me: “Get out.”
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Me: “Trumpets…..that was so soft. I wouldn’t charge toward you even if I was a bull and you were holding the red cape!”
Kid: “No, but your mom would.”
Me: “Get out.”
Me: Percussion, leave the book open. I’m not done with that. Open up from the back.”
Kid: “That’s what she said.”
Me: “Get out.”
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The middle school children (boys on this one) liked to play a game during lunch and in band that they called LOUDER, LOUDER. Here are the rules:
One kid says a word quietly (usually it was penis), and the other kid says it a little bit louder. Increase volume level back and forth between both parties until the teacher catches one of you. If you get caught, you lose the game.
Right. So it was quite difficult to hear kids yelling this word in a crowded, noisy lunch room, but much easier when a young man yelled PENIS in band rehearsal as the band stopped playing.
Kid (yelling): PENIS!
Me: Get out.
END SCENE.
So what happened after I said ‘get out’?!?
I would wait a minute or two while getting the class back on track and then go into the hall to speak with the guilty party. The vast majority of the time I got an apology immediately and an admission of “I spoke before I thought about it.” After giving the kid the STINK EYE, I would tell them that if I had them call their mom or dad on the phone right then and there, could they tell their parent what just happened? That usually stopped any future stupidity. I would not have enjoyed calling my mother when I was 13 to tell her that I just randomly yelled out PENIS in the middle of class…..
AHHHH. Middle school. Such an interesting time in human development.
Stay safe, stay awesome, and stay tuned. My best friend got suspended when he was in 8th grade for running down the school corridor singing “I’ve got big balls” by AC/DC. You know who you are…..and his mom is likely reading this right now. For some of us, middle school is the point where our brain development peaked…..and remained.
Patrick moeschen 