SNOW FUNNY

One of the things that I did to pass the time while I was recovering in the hospital was to mine my brain and pull out funny stories, experiences, and conversations that I have been a part of throughout my life. I gave myself an awful lot of laughs; sometimes out loud. The hospital staff likely thought I was crazy. Well….they’re not far off.

Often, my mind drifted back to moments in my classroom and throughout the school. Middle school is a hotbed of rumors and gossip, and the bigger the story, the faster it travels to the masses. This happened even before cellphones, but there is one story I will share with you that unfortunately took place just as cameras were becoming “good” on phones. It is also worth mentioning that 98% of the time gossip or rumors spread amongst the youth, they turned out to be untrue. Naturally, this was my first thought on one snowy Valentine’s Day several years ago as I entered the building a little after 7AM.

As I passed through the cafeteria, where the 6th graders sat waiting for the first bell, I felt a buzz of energy, which is natural on a holiday when the kids are guaranteed to be hyped up on sugary candy. Did I mention that it was 7AM? Right. So I go through the gym to get to my classroom and the 8th graders are in there as they usually are, but this morning they are out of their minds. I approached a couple of my band kids and said something about everyone being jacked up for Valentine’s Day and they started laughing like crazy.

“No, Mr. Moe….that’s not it. We shouldn’t tell you, but go down the 7th grade hall and look out the big window by the stairwell. There’s something in the snow.”

“What’s in the snow?” I asked. “Is this something that needs a teacher? Do I need to get someone to go out and see what it is?”

“Oh no.” Laughter. “You will see it. It’s really big.” More laughter. “You can’t miss it. But don’t tell anyone we told you. EVERYONE is taking pictures of it. It’s so funny.”

My curiosity getting the best of me, I went into my classroom briefly to drop off my coat and bag, and then I headed for the back hallway. The day before, we had received about 6 inches of fresh snow, adding to what was already on the ground. New Hampshire in February is hit or miss for storms, and this particular year, the town had been hit hard. I estimated there was more than a foot of white powder out on the athletic fields behind the school.

As I got closer down the hall, I heard a bunch of kids who were not supposed to be there. I was about to go into “teacher mode” and tell them to clear out, when I saw one of the assistant principals and several other staff members on the stairway landing with the kids. Everyone was laughing. There were kids in each of the 5 classrooms spread out down the hall and all of them were pasted to the windows looking out at the snow, snapping photos with their phones and laughing hysterically. I was clueless until some kid told me to see for myself as they parted the crowd near a classroom window so I could get a look. I was soon laughing as well, while trying not to laugh AND shoo the kids away at the same time.

There in the snow, carefully stomped out by several pair of boots was a 20-30 foot imprint of the male anatomy, complete with appendages on each side. It was huge, and looking left to right, it stood at attention. The kids usually come up with really lame pranks, but in my mind, this was hilarious. I tried not to show my true thoughts but it was difficult when I consulted the other staff and assistant principal who stood near. It took me a minute, but the adults were also listening for clues among the kids as to who did this. We middle school educators have to be detectives at times and the kids can’t keep their mouths shut about anything, let alone a prank this big. Pun intended.

Jay, the assistant principal had the names of 2 8th graders in about 30 seconds. He asked me to go to the gym and snoop around to see if I would get the same names. I did, and both guilty parties were sitting in the bleachers looking guilty. I approached them and took them out. They freely admitted to what they did and asked me how much trouble they were in.

“Not my call gentlemen. This one goes right to the office. Mr. Cullen wants to see you. Now.”

Off they went and I heard later that they were both suspended for the day to send a message to the student body that it’s not a good choice to stomp out a large penis in the snow behind the school. Jay and I had a great laugh and then he told me the best part. Poor Al, our head custodian who was nearing retirement and as gentle a person as they come, was tasked with going out in the snow with his boots and a shovel to remove the snowy organ print from the field.

Since it was Valentine’s Day, Al spent a solid 30 minutes out in the cold somehow reshaping the imprint into two large interlocking hearts with an arrow through them both. Al was not laughing when he came in but later that day I visited him in his office.

“Nice work on spreading the love Al.” I said to him.

“Patrick, I’ve been here over 30 years and that has to be one of the best pranks the kids have ever come up with. Tell me who they are so I can write their names down and buy them each a beer when they turn 21.”

This story has been told in the school amongst the staff for years, especially on February 14. Well done kids, well done. Snow funny….

Stay safe, stay awesome and stay tuned.

PS: No, I don’t have a photo, but if anyone does, please send it and I will add it as proof. Jane? Seth? Jay? Anyone? Anyone?