air part iii – take off ‘eh?

Thanks for coming back loyal reader, or bored person scrolling through your phone. When we last left our hero, he was sitting just outside the plane but inside the jetway waiting to be transferred to the aisle chair. You will recall that the aisle chair is a skinny, seat as hard as NH granite, straight back wheelchair that, even in 2022 in the most powerful nation on Earth offers the best (cheapest) option to boarding a commercial airplane for folks like me who cannot walk. Once in it (transferred by my amazing wife), I am strapped in across my legs, shoulders, chest and feet. Like a sack of cow manure (my close friends will tell you that this description fits me most of the time anyway), I am flanked ahead and behind by 2 airport employees who bump the aisle chair up through the door of the plane. (watch your step now!). Following this, we do a three-point turn in the galley while the flight attendants dance out of the way as they make coffee for the douchebags in first class. I get put in reverse and I am pulled down the main aisle of the plane backwards. There is no clearance on either side and so I hit the armrests of every third or fourth row. If I’m early to board, the plane is empty….this time, due to the shenanigans with my new ramp buddy Kevin (see part II) the plane is full and so I am smiling and saying hello to 150 people who are staring at me while they awkwardly try to look like they’re not staring at me. Years ago this bothered me, but it’s so ridiculous and comical it no longer does.

Finally I arrive at row 36, seat F: the window seat. Not likely that I’m getting all the way across as it is damn hard to even get me into the seat next to the aisle. Whoever is behind me has to lean forward, put their arms under my shoulders and lift me out of the aisle wheelchair and into my plane seat, which as you know, has a pretty high back and a neck rest. Both of these are obstacles and usually one or more of the restraining straps is caught on me so there’s that as well. Thankfully this row is currently empty so I don’t need to flop over and land in a strangers lap. My wife takes the center seat, the airline transfer people wish me a good day and haul ass forward with the aisle chair to now assist another poor bastard like myself. The flight attendant quickly tells me that I need to buckle my seatbelt and that I should really be in the window seat if possible. Due to Covid tracing (if needed) no one gets reseated…EVER! MUHAHAHAHAHA. (ok that last part was in my head)

Kindly, I explain that there is no way I can move over there and she tells me that the person coming will have to “climb over me!”. She states this like I might have leprosy and I haven’t had people climbing over me since I first flew about 30 years ago. I tell her that I’ve done this before and it’s no problem. Thankfully on this flight, the climber turns out to be a short, pleasant and understanding Korean gentleman with only his laptop and his phone. We do a little dance and he gets passed my legs no problem. I’m not always this lucky, but it is a fun part of the plane adventure.

Finally we are ready for the delay in taxi and the pilot telling us that we are ALMOST in line for take-off. I sit and ask my wife to turn on the air above my head (can’t reach those either). Is flying difficult? Yep. Are there better solutions? Yep. A good friend of mine named Alan works for www.allwheelsup.org. Their organization is making progress with the FAA to allow wheelchair users to stay in their chairs on flights. Click the link to learn more. This can and will be a game changer.

Bottom line: Everything is difficult with flying and change comes down to money and cost. Whatever happens, I will keep flying. Like most things with a disability, flying should simply be normal. Oh yeah, two more quick things: 1. Reverse the whole story, because I also have to get off the plane when it lands AND make sure my chair hasn’t been damaged while under the plane. This trip was fine. 2. I always try to fly direct. Believe me….this WHOLE show ain’t pretty when I have a connection. Anything under 90 minutes between flights and I might not make it.

Can I come, on a plane, and visit YOU soon? How about a GOFUNDME for a private wheelchair jet? Are you listening Bezos? Elon Musk?

Stay safe, stay awesome and stay tuned.