air part 2: Hannibal Lector

Welcome back. I am now on my way to the airplane gate. I try to be about an hour early since that’s when the gate agents open and I can speak with them. They need to (1) ask a bunch of questions regarding my power chair. (2) tag the chair (3) alert the ramp crew who will be putting it on the plane. (4) request the “aisle chair”, (shown here), and possibly (5) re-seat me on the flight. It goes like this:

Me: Hi, I’m Patrick and my wife and I are flying to….. I would like to gate tag my power chair, speak with someone from the ramp crew about loading it, and possibly be reseated, since I will need the aisle chair to get on the plane. Im in row 36 and I believe that’s the back.

(SIDE NOTE:) Unless you weigh twelve pounds and have the body of a leprechaun, you are not getting through an airplane door or the aisle with a wheelchair of any kind. The industry has you go down the jetway first, and call 2 employees to transfer you from your chair to the “aisle chair”. I have been transferred by large and small men and women, many who are not trained to lift anyone, some who are well into their 60’s and plenty with B.O. It’s awesome. Once in the aisle chair, I am strapped in chest and legs for safety, which I lovingly refer to as the Hannibal Lector airplane look. (Google it kids). THEN, with one person in back and one in front, I get bumped onto the plane and rolled down the skinny ass center aisle of the empty aircraft like freight, while the crew smiles and WELCOMES ME ABOARD! I am pulled all the way to row 36 and then transferred again into my plane seat. The assigned seat is the window one, but the crew assures me that the person with my ticketed seat SHOULD UNDERSTAND MY SITUATION and switch. My poor wife gets the center seat either way. After I’m in and buckled (because….hey…turbulence), my wife puts the following overhead: our travel bag, my sleep apnea machine and a large duffle bag containing parts she removed from my power chair right after I got out of it: joystick, cushion, headrest, and various screws and washers. This should eliminate damage. Long side note ay?

Back to the main story:

Gate Agent: Hello, where are you going? Ok, one moment. I found you. Oh you are in the back, but we are overbooked and so we cannot re-seat anyone (re-seat…who the hell invented that word??). Are you traveling alone? Oh, I see another name here in the booking. She’s in row 21. Let me at least put you both together. (in my head: wait, you just said you can’t move me, but you can move her? WAIT…move me to row 21 so I don’t need to be dragged to the back of the plane). Hang on, we are overbooked, let me work on this. In the meantime, will you need assistance boarding? How heavy is your chair? What kind of batteries on there? (I answer, 250lbs and 2 dry cell batteries…AND there are signs that we made stating DON’T LIFT. If wires come unplugged, batteries move, or any electronics, parts of the frame, motors etc. get ganked, then I have no legs.)

Gate Agent: Oh we have a great ramp crew that can lift that, no problem.

Me: It’s not the weight, it’s the batteries and electrical stuff. If anything goes wrong, I am in big trouble. This chair IS my legs.

Gate: Let me see if I can get the ramp supervisor here. How much does it weigh? I need to tag it. Did you tell anyone this downstairs at check-in? No one put a note here. Maybe the system is slow. Tell me about the batteries again.

Me: No problem, I did tell them and I fly frequently. Please trust me, I have done this before.

Gate: Let me see about the seats and the ramp supervisor. Please have a seat and I’ll let you know when we work this out (me in my mind: I have a seat lady, THIS is THE WHOLE ISSUE)

——TEN MINUTES LATER———–

Ramp Guy Kevin: How are we doing sir? How much does your chair weigh? Wow, that’s a nice one. Here’s the deal. We DO have an elevator up the hall here that will go down to baggage load but once there it’s kind of a crowded warehouse space below and I don’t think this will fit. When you come down the jetway and get on the plane, I have 6 strong guys that can carry this down the jetway steps outside and load her under the plane. We do this all the time.

Me: Sorry Kevin, I am not comfortable with anyone carrying this. What if I ask a few random people in here to carry you around since you look light? (I’m laughing but he finally gets the point)

Ramp Guy Kevin: (On his radio) Yeah 1 to ramp, looks like no carry but it will roll, can you guys clear a path by elevator 20B? I know you are loading but let’s not break this guy’s chair. He’s sitting right here and this looks like a nice rig. (yes, he called it a rig). Ok thank you.

Me: Thank you so much, let me buy all the ramp guys a beer.

Ramp Guy Kevin: Woah, not while they’re working. And not for you….no drinking and driving now!!!! Hahaha. (I’ve heard that one 39,909 times). Ok, let’s get you loaded and on your way. (On radio) 1 at 20B, where is my aisle chair?

I drive the power chair down the jetway while my wife follows with our carry on bags. Two more employees follow with the aisle chair. Look at this thing. Even though I will only be in it for 2 minutes, it’s uncomfortable as hell.

AND….scene.

Part III, the finale coming shortly. Did I mention that I’m not actually on the plane yet? Remember….air travel is fun!

Stay safe, stay awesome and stay tuned.

Below: THE AISLE CHAIR USED BY ALL AIRLINES TO LOAD WHEELCHAIR USERS ON TO THE PLANE