air

Many of you know that have been traveling around the U.S. and the world for years presenting at disability conferences. Like everything else, this was on pause during the worst of Covid. Recently, my wife and I weighed the risks and decided it was safe enough to fly from Boston (near home) to Phoenix, Arizona for the annual Parent Project Muscular Dystrophy Connect Conference. Let me give you a little insight about commercial air travel with a wheelchair. Check that…power wheelchair. The airline employees are amazing, supportive and usually very helpful. The system, planes, and everything that goes with it is a mess. Let’s begin with security:

TSA

If you are a wheelchair user of any kind, the first part is great: you skip the security line and go directly to the TSA screener. After explaining that I cannot walk or remove my shoes, whoever is with me puts all the personal items into the plastic box on the belt (you know the drill). The agent then asks me what side my property is on and if I am traveling alone (even though my wife just put my stuff on the conveyor). After this, the agent loudly calls out: “MALE ASSIST 7/8” (or whatever line I’m in). I wait near the body scanner, but not too close or I will set off the metal detector. It’s not uncommon for them to call MALE ASSIST 3 or 4 times before someone comes over. I cannot be screened by a woman, because that would violate everyone. After 5 minutes or so, a male comes and has me roll through a glass gate so I can “STILL VIEW MY PERSONAL ITEMS”, which my wife is now holding and sitting on a bench on the other side of security. We wave and the agent asks if SHE IS TRAVELING WITH ME? Yes, I reply and then we go around to an area near the end of the conveyor belt. I am then told I will have a FULL BODY PAT DOWN since I can’t use the metal detector. I’ve done this countless times in my life, and I smile and tell him I understand. It usually proceeds like this:

Agent: Sir, I am going to wear gloves, and pat down your entire body 3-4 times. For sensitive areas such as your groin, I will use the back of my hands. I will also test your hands, wheelchair, and shoes for traces of explosive. Can you remove your shoes sir? Ok. Do you have anything in your pockets? Do you have any medical devices on you or in you? Are you wearing a belt? Do you have keys or a cell phone? Would you like a private screening area? The gentleman with me is IN TRAINING so we are going to go over these steps several times so he can BE TRAINED in PATTING DOWN people for security reasons. Do you understand these questions? Can you lean forward, and lift your arms? Again I need to pat down your arms, neck, back and lower back several times. The gentleman in training will do this as well. I am now going to pull your pants out a little to check your waistband, and for sensitive areas, I will use the back of my hand. Can you still see your personal items on the belt sir? You are traveling with someone right? Ok sir, can you lift your legs at all? That’s ok. Please lean to the left, so I can check under your buttocks. Again I will use the back of my hand, and the gentleman in training will do this as well. Thank you sir, we are almost done. I just need to use a wand here and swab your hands. (There is a patch on the wand that feels like cheesecloth. They slide it over my palms, and then put it in a machine for 5-7 seconds to make sure I have no traces of explosive chemicals on my hands. They get a new piece of cloth and do the same for my wheelchair cushion, the back of my char, and finally my shoes. Each time, the cloth goes in the machine and I wait. If someone is getting patted down near me, this takes longer as there is only one scanning machine.) OK sir, thank you for your patience. You are all set. Does someone have your personal items for you or are you traveling alone? OK, have a nice flight.

Ah. That only took 15 minutes, which is actually not too bad. Remember that I also skipped the line before security even though the TSA guy there was grumpy when I told him that I could not place my passport on the scanner myself and could not remove my kn-95 mask so he could get a clear view of my face. I realize that this is all in the name of safety, and this is not a bitch blog. I just think you all should know how this goes if you are a wheelchair traveler. It takes longer with a power chair, since under the seat there are batteries, wires and other electronics. Before we wrap up part 1, (Part 2 will be the gate, aisle chair, ramp crew and other fun stuff since no airplane is wide enough to actually enter IN a wheelchair) let me describe below what goes through my mind and what I actually say at security. Have a laugh.

PAT’S BRAIN (HOLD YOUR JOKES)

For reference, refer to above….

Out loud: Hello, no worries, I have been patted down millions of times. I do not need a private screening. Oh, this dude is training? That’s fun…would you like me to be calm and compliant, or old and crusty? hahaha. (no one else even smiles)

In my head: Let’s go boys, I have a plane to catch. Awesome, man hands times 2 with gloves on rubbing around near my junk. It’s just after breakfast, did this guys brush his teeth? Talk faster with the rules chucklehead, I have more fun ahead at the gate. Where is all my shit? Ok, my wife has all of it and is now laughing at me from the other side. She could totally go to the plane right now, or even go get a beer before I am done here. Look at the cattle line coming through the scanning machine. No one is really noticing anything. Everyone is a sheep. Wow, a lot of people have sleep apnea machines. Me too guys. At least they don’t ask us to plug them in at security and turn them on anymore. That sucked. Oh buddy, you’re not getting through with that coffee. Don’t even bitch, they’re gonna make you dump it out. Yeah, it’s only been that rule for 20 years tough guy. You don’t need the sugar intake anyhow pal, just move along. Stop feeling my legs you guys, it’s creepy and I do not even get this much action around my balls at home so let’s slow it down. OK. hurry up…gotta go, need to pee.

OUT LOUD: Thank you gentlemen. I appreciate what all of you guys do to keep us all safe. Enjoy your day and I hope that I was helpful with the training. Always remember that we all do have planes to catch so if I show a little stress, it’s nothing personal…

Stay awesome, stay safe, and stay tuned for part 2: Feeling like Hannibal Lector at the airport gate.