If you are reading this on Thanksgiving Day, perhaps it is early and you have not gathered with family and friends yet. Perhaps it is after your celebration and you are now on your phone because it is your security blanket. Perhaps it is right NOW your family/friends meal but you just really need a break from the mayhem and dysfunction that today entails, and you are hiding out reading these stupid words wondering if I really think that your phone is your security blanket. Hey Linus, if you are spending Thanksgiving with a bunch of people who love you and that you love, then you have no logical reason to be on your device reading this foolishness right now.
But, of course, now you are wondering what I’m about to say, because you can’t help yourself AND if your phone is more than 10 feet from you, even on Thanksgiving, then how will you get all of those photos that you will post to social media so everyone else on their devices can “smash the like button” while you try to broadcast out that this is a wonderful day, and look at me, and I have the best TIME with all of these people!
Well, when you go back to the table/football game/argument with Uncle Bobby and his annoying stories that you have heard in larger numbers than the calories that you put in your body today, let me regale you with random Thanksgiving facts that I found earlier this week on the Interwebs. I’m not sure if these are all true, but who cares? It’s better conversation than Aunty Sally’s tales of what happened over the summer.
Have a(nother) cocktail and check this crap out:
80% of Americans prefer Thanksgiving leftovers to Thanksgiving dinner. Why? Because all of us BUY and COOK too much food. Because….’Merica! If there weren’t any leftovers, few would prefer them. Logic.
Green Bean Casserole was invented in 1955. Exactly what you’re thinking. I don’t give a shit either.
3.5 million people attend Macy’s Thanksgiving parade in NYC every year. I was IN the parade in 2002 with the Salem NH High School Marching Band and Color guard. It was one of the coldest days of my life, but fun. We got our band shoes from Gerry. Mine are still not worn out. Great shoes man. Swingin’
On average, a person consumes 2100 calories at Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah, you read that right. Who cares if it’s true or not? It means that we are all fat bastards. Can I also get a little more gravy on that? I like my fat bastard with gravy on it. Source? The New York Post, but all of us living in the Boston area don’t trust anything New York… Also, we “over-eat” so let’s bump that up to at least 3,000 calories. Then, don’t forget that you will have the munchies around 9 or 10pm, which is still, technically, Thanksgiving. So when that happens, you will recall this part of the blog, wonder why I am in your head (and your fridge) and shamelessly eat another 500-600 calories. See also, fat bastard. Gonna have to put your phone down to carry that plate. But I’ll bet you have your phone on the couch….along with your late night snack. Take a food selfie and share with everyone on social media. You’ve had a great day. Also, no one gives a shit. Put your phone away and continue watching The Wizard of Oz. Why the hell is that movie on TV tonight? I don’t know either and I’m too lazy to Google it. Wait….grab your phone.
12% of Americans skip turkey on Thanksgiving. These people are all dead to me. Also, please give me your turkey. HERE is what Food&Wine suggests. A quick Google search reveals that the editors of Food&Wine are also Communists. (That’s a joke…calm down mainstream media and everyone in the south, calm down)
Statistically, Americans’ favorite dish on Thanksgiving is the stuffing. How can it not be, really? Have you left the house lately to look around in public? We have a weight problem. See earlier in this blog: fat bastards.
The day after Thanksgiving is the busiest day of the year for plumbers. I didn’t even verify this one because it needs to be true for me to continue believing in my universe. Gold. Factoids like the give me faith in humanity.
The Butterball hotline answers 100,000 Turkey questions every year. It’s a real thing. Click the link……It’s all manned by volunteers. I know what I’m doing next year. Can you imagine the conversations that I will have? Gold.
Eating too much – not Tryptophan – makes you tired after eating on Thanksgiving (turkey doesn’t have any more than chicken does). So tell whichever moron that ALWAYS tries to impress you with the word “tryptophan” that they are full of “tryptoshit.” See Uncle Freddy? You’re not as smart as you think you look. And who the hell is Uncle Freddy and why is he drinking something from the medicine cabinet?
And my personal favorite … TV dinners were invented as a result of a massive Thanksgiving miscalculation. In 1953 a company found itself with 260 tons of leftover frozen turkeys after Thanksgiving and a salesman, inspired by meals on airplanes, had the notion of splitting them up into heatable trays with other side dishes, and it was a HIT (don’t believe me?)
To end with a deep dive, treat yourself to the video for the often overlooked ZZtop classic, almost hit: TV Dinners. My sister and I used to crack up when the little guy comes out of the foil like a mini movie reference to Alien… Holy shit, the video has 4.8 million views and it’s a terrible song….EXCELLENT. I WANT MY MTV while I am eating my leftovers and watching Shrek since The Wizard is over. Who’s going shopping at midnight? SHEEP. All of you who shop tomorrow are SHEEP. Stay home, eat and become more of a fat bastard. It’s the holidays!
My sister and I can no longer crack up because we have eaten 4,500 calories each and we don’t know where our phones are. I think mine might be inside the turkey. Now that will be a family story that I’ll be telling anyone who calls ME on the Butterball hotline in 2026. That’s also when, where, and how I will be announcing my candidacy for President of The United States.
“Hello? Butterball Hotline? My phone is in the turkey. What? No, this is my wife’s phone. I’m gonna need a little help here. Will it still work with gravy on it? Also…Moeschen 2028…vote early and vote often.”
Stay safe, stay awesome, and Gobble, Gobble. Wishing all of you and your loved ones a wonderful day. Pepere Gerry? I’m hearing good things. People are talking about you on the Butterball Hotline…..Hello?
Cheeseburger count: 35. See also, fat bastard.
Patrick moeschen 