YARD SALE!

What’s the deal with yard sales? You’re not selling your yard! Hahahaha….boooooo.

Read this next line with your inside voice as the counselor in South Park: Yard sales are bad mmmm’kay?

Haters gonna hate and tell me how much wonderful stuff they have “found” at yard sales over the years. I don’t buy it. That was a pun….I don’t buy that you have found treasure and I don’t buy stuff at yard sales. Someone else is throwing it away OR they are moving and need to get rid of stuff that they don’t want or didn’t even remember that they had.

Now putting all this crap on your front lawn is better than all of it going into a landfill, but please…it’s still junk. Never mind the shows on TV that look like American Pickers and all of these other people who convince you that someone’s old padded kitchen chair might have belonged to Henry VIII and you just found it for five bucks. What you actually found was a cushioned old chair full of old farts that has now been put outside. In the rain. Bargain for you.

Anyway, while you hit your brakes and wonder if that sweaty old shirt might fit you and be fine with a few washes, let me also warn you that there are people who are called “Early Birds.” Yup. The yard sale may start at nine in the morning but the birds are there wayyy before the starting gun sounds. They circle, photograph, park elsewhere and study the pics like an NFL defensive coach during a game on Sunday afternoon. These folks are all in and try to barter with the sellers before the general public shows up. If these birds put this much effort into something beneficial to all of society we could cure cancer… Instead they now have a lamp that they swore was on Antique Roadshow but maybe that one wasn’t really avocado green like the one that’s now in their living room, or garage, or storage shed/closet/etc. WAIT….they can “RESELL” it on Facebook marketplace and make $2. WINDFALL. Not.

Gee Patrick, for a guy who doesn’t “yard sale”, you sure seem to know enough about how they work. Let’s just say that this illness runs in my family and is one step below all the shit on the sides of the road that screams FREE. Don’t even get me started on crap that people are too lazy or too poor to take to the dump. Hey! Maybe someone will want this broken plastic Walmart chair and this dorm fridge that will cost me $10 to recycle at the dump. I know what I can do to make someone else’s day….I’ll put it by the road with a cardboard sign that reads “FREE”. Everyone likes free stuff.

What’s most important is the cardboard sign. Why? Well, I’m going to tell you.

He’s going to tell…he’s going to tell…he’s going to tell. Why am I still reading this? I like yard sales. He’s a dick and if he wasn’t in that damn chair, I would tell him that, but since his life is all hard and handicapped I’ll leave him alone. Besides, I have a bunch of yard sale stuff that I’m using and it’s a great way to save money and keep things out of the landfill. I’m a great person. Patrick is an asshole. I’m not going to read this anymore.

Yes you are. I know that I’m an asshole. Now I’m an asshole that is living rent free in your head as I judge you for going to yard sales. You’re welcome.

In all seriousness, I couldn’t care less if you are a picker as long as it doesn’t affect my life. Which brings me to the LONG BELABORED point of today’s words: THE FREE SIGN.

As my sister was driving back to the lake from the local pizza joint, she traversed the lovely Jones Hill Road in Enfield NH. On the right hand side in someone’s yard, she spied a cool wooden barrel, some sturdy wooden chairs, a couple of wooden crates and a few other nice items. The time: late afternoon. The weather: warm. The objects: just sitting there. Her mind: I must jet back to the house, drop off the pizza, inform my sister-in-law, and return with an empty vehicle. I gotta have that wooden barrel. It will look amazing on the porch. Maybe I’ll strip it and stain it. Put a topper on it and it’s a table…..Should I stop now? It might be gone in 20 minutes. No….I need to deliver the food. The kids…it’s all about feeding the kids….

Boom. She’s back at the lake, deep in thought and telling her sister-in-law all about the roadside treasure. Side note: the sister-in-law is my wife. I rolled my eyes upon hearing the plan (remember, I am an asshole) and told them “You know…not everything free needs to come here.”

I got a one finger salute from each of them, but at least I had pizza so….whatever.

About 30 minutes later, my sister and wife returned empty handed and in a fit of laughter.

It seems the Jones Hill Road guy was simply painting his front porch and had cleared the space so he could work. When my wife and sister began to take the nice wooden barrel and two chairs, the guy said: “Uh, what are you doing there?”

My sister: “Oh. I’m sorry, isn’t this stuff free? It’s right by the road here.”

Jones Hill Road Guy: “No. I’m painting my porch and moved it out there so I don’t get paint on it. That’s my stuff.”

My sister and wife: “So sorry…we will put it back right here where it was. Apologies.”

The moral of the story is this: people don’t put nice stuff outside that they don’t want. Also, if there’s no FREE sign, the shit likely ain’t free.

Now why is there an avocado table lamp on my nightstand that wasn’t there yesterday? And who threw out my jigsaw puzzles?

Stay safe, stay awesome, and stay tuned. Yard sales this weekend….but not at my house.

The Moeschen cheeseburger count for the year has reached 30. When my wife fires up the grill, I can’t help myself. Also, we found this great grill cover at a yard sale…..