Hello loyal readers and people who accidentally clicked on Moeschen looking for “motion” (no one actually does that…but I’m sure they search those terms the other way around! what?). I’ve decided to go with some life musings today, with a twist: All of the stuff mentioned below is non-fiction. I hold no judgment of any of these observations, but instead find them all to be a fascinating cross section of human behavior. I will omit names, but if you’re on this list, be proud—- I find YOU to be amazing and special.
Number 1: Recently, while cleaning a spare room, a can opener was found, along with a can of unopened soup (chicken and wild rice). Not a college dorm room, but a spare room, with a bed, which is occasionally used by an adult. A little much for doomsday prep, but there you go.
Number 2: If you have a social media account for your pet….um. ok, no judgment I said.
Number 3: I know someone that NEEDED to check their phone IMMEDIATELY while standing at the toilet taking a pee. “It buzzed, so I checked it” they said. The phone slipped from the free hand and went into the toilet. Hilarious.
Number 4: Imagine being back in the 1980’s and trying to explain the future? See kids, every computer is connected and EVERYTHING that the world has ever learned has been indexed. You can learn anything you want at anytime. So much for the math teachers who scolded us: “Learn these times tables….you won’t have a calculator in your pocket everyday.”
Number 5: My mother is 83. God Bless her…the short term memory is showing gaps, but here are a few things she remembers clearly from her time as a Home Health Aid more than 20 years ago:
5A: While helping an old man bathe, he barked at her “you don’t need to wash back there….it’s sewed up.” My mother told her co-workers that guy must have an “ass-ectomy”
5B: Entering another home to find an elderly man laid up with a broken leg. He told her that he “slipped on the damn cat vomit.” (No judgment)
5C: (my favorite). Hesitating when seeing 2 full ashtrays, my mother was going to empty them when she asked the elderly woman why there were 2. The answer? “Oh, don’t empty the one on the left, that’s my husband. The rest of him is out on the mantel.” She said this while laughing.
Number 6: I have a wonderful friend who is completely comfortable having a dinner of Cheez-its and vodka. Good vodka.
Number 7: I was recently told, by someone with good connections, that the mafia didn’t “go away”, but instead grew up and joined the government. Not too much of a reach now is it?
Number 8: In class, when I had a few minutes at the end of the period, I would throw a riddle or ask for kids to share something cool. A few highlights:
8A: I told the class that the “black box” on airplanes containing all flight information is actually orange. It is also indestructible so it can be recovered and analyzed in the event of a plane crash. Kid responds: “Really, Moeschen? Then why don’t they just make the whole plane out of that material?” Well played kid….well played.
8B: When we send something by ground it’s called “shipping”, but when we send it across the ocean, it is known as “cargo.” Kid response: “Who cares? It all comes from Amazon anyway.”
8C: Kid shows me his “special” edition BRITISH copy of the first Harry Potter book. Then asks me why it’s in English. SAME class later…….another kid asks me “What number president was Hitler?” Bang up job social studies teachers. Bang up job.
Number 9: I’ve taught both of my children to argue and discuss if they are passionate about something….it is healthy to debate as long as you can back up your points. My 9-year old is getting so adept that it is only a matter of time before he outmaneuvers me into emptying his bank account to buy Lego sets. Ugh.
Number 10: Did you know that you need to clean the dryer lint regularly? Wait, we covered that one.
Number 11: A wise educator once watched me fire up a group of teachers during lunch about something I can’t even remember. With a smile but speaking what I now know to be the truth she said: “Mister Moeschen…you’re an instigator.” No judgment.
Number 12: I carry a small pouch that looks like a 35mm film canister that has an expandable rubber bottom. This is how I pee in public bathrooms. I’ve also used it on airplanes while holding a sweatshirt over my lap. Consider that this is entirely normal for me, and many of you have emptied said bag. Let this cross your mind the next time you are in a restaurant bathroom or an airplane lavatory. Federal law prohibits tampering with the smoke alarms though, but not allowing wheelchair users to pee. I rue the day I ever have to go #2 on an airplane. That’s a blog waiting to be written boys and girls.
Number 13: I regret nothing about my health condition. I’m not the problem. Society marginalizing disabled individuals is the problem.
Number 14: Every time I talk with you, I learn something. If you are reading this and we have never spoken, reach out. I would love to hear your story.
Number 15: What’s funnier than kid logic?
Ted: “Daddy. Are you old?”
Daddy: “I’m 50 Ted. Do you think that’s old?”
Ted: “Well, I’m almost 7. So when I’m 50, you’ll be dead. Too bad, so sad Daddy!”
I weep for the future.
Stay safe, stay awesome, and stay tuned.
Patrick moeschen 