HUMOR AND KNOWLEDGE

Now that I am feeling better, I would like to share with you some of what I have observed and learned since early January 2024 when I got sick. Even with sedation and several narcotics in my system, I tried my best to remain observant of my surroundings, and several times over several days thought to myself: oh yeah, that’s going in the blog. Of course, back when I was thinking that, I lay helpless like a slug in my hospital bed hoping that I would be able to retain what I saw so I could someday type it up. My friends….that day is today. Here we go. Should you ever be in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit) or on Jeopardy! (category: hospital lingo), you will be able to impress those around you. My sacrifice has not been in vain. You’re welcome. Here we go:

When on the ventilator, I was told that I would be attempting “spontaneous breathing.” This is: any mode of mechanical ventilation where every breath is spontaneous (i.e., patient triggered and patient cycled). Spontaneous breathing is defined as the movement of gas in and out of the lungs that is produced in response to an individual’s respiratory muscles. Once I got the hang of “triggering” the machine, it made me feel a lot like Darth Vader. Come to think of it, I sounded a little like him as well. I did not share this with anyone. Too much dark side. See what I did there?

ALL of the ICU nurses and staff were amazing BUT at one point it took 3 of them to figure out how to release the left guard rail on my hospital bed. It got stuck or jammed or something and they had to force/shake it loose. This happened one other time when my bed randomly lost power and I couldn’t adjust my head tilt. It also made the bed deflate and I felt like I was sinking into a water bed. Only lasted a minute or two but was enough to scare the hell out of me. Lovely.

“Chuck” – the nickname for a large rectangular sanitary pad that goes under me on the bed or wheelchair. Also used in case someone is incontinent.

“Incontinent” – Unable to maintain control of your bladder or bowels. Thankfully, this only applied to me in college when trying to play bebop on the drum kit.

“MIE” – Mechanical insufflation-exsufflation (MIE) therapy is an additional noninvasive aid that augments inspiratory and expiratory flow to improve secretion mobilization. In other words….using a mask and machine to help my lungs cough shit up. It’s been quite effective. Could be dangerous if incontinent as you may spit up phlegm and shit yourself at the same time. Just a thought.

“Dyspnea” – labored breathing

“Bump dots” – small raised hard stickers used by OT to make pressing my nurse call button easier.

“OT” – Occupational therapy. Scheduled for me each day to relearn my muscles in ADL’s.

“ADL” – Activities of daily living. Examples include brushing one’s teeth, shaving, applying deodorant, eating, etc. You get the idea. It’s been kind of funny because all of the OT’s didn’t know what I could do before my illness and so they have asked my if I can dress myself (no), shave (yes) and shower (with help)

“Pulmonary Toileting” – I’m not even kidding. This is what they call strengthening the lungs through hand held devices to blow into and suck out. Keep the cheap jokes to yourself over there…

“Troponin” – damage to the heart.  Once the number has peaked, they don’t check it again.  My highest was 0.46 (a heart attack can be around 100). This was AFTER I had been shocked with the stickers (no more paddles….that’s only on TV) FOUR TIMES. I RULE. They also checked my arteries around my heart with a catheter and ALL of them are free and clear….NO blockages anywhere. Good for a 51-year old male who cannot exercise and ate too many cheeseburgers as a youth. I blame Jim, Jim, Mike, Joe, Frank, Carl, Scotty, Eric, and Gary. Brando’s sub anyone?

“Intubation” – placing tubes down the throat. I’ll just leave this here. It’s not a pleasant feeling when you’re awake.

“Extubation” – removal of said tubes. They literally say “ready?” and yank them up and out of your throat. It feels like puking a pound of uncooked spaghetti. Not too much fun.

“Bronchoscopy” – a procedure to look directly at the airways in the lungs using a thin, lighted tube (bronchoscope). The bronchoscope is put in the mouth. It is moved down the throat and windpipe (trachea), and into the airways. I was awake for this too and there was a monitor right next to the bed in case I wanted to see inside my lungs. I looked briefly and then went back to trying not to choke even though I was given numbing medication. The bronchoscopy took about 15 minutes. I do not recommend this procedure unless it is really really necessary. More fun than extubation but less fun than using a rectal thermometer. Did you know that a rectal thermometer is the most accurate way to take the body temperature? See…..the more you know.

“Leads” – 5 small square stickers that go on your chest, arms and legs to continually monitor your heart rate. The stickers get changed each day and are attached to wires and a box to monitor you the entire time that you are in the hospital. My heart rate has been normal since January 7. This is a good thing.

“PCA” – Patient Care Associate. These people are great. They do everything from making sure I am comfortable all day to giving me a bath in bed each day. Still can’t shower due to pacemaker wound not being completely closed at the top of my chest. Not showering is another reason why I have said no to most visitors outside the family. Don’t take it personally, I just would rather see you all at a BIG party that I’m throwing when I get the hell out of here.

“VBG” – Venous blood gas. Sounds worse than it is. A measuring of the CO2 level in the blood as it returns to the heart. Normal is around 35-45 I believe. I am right around normal now. This means my heart and lungs are working well enough on their own to get rid of CO2 with every breath I take and every move I make. Every claim I stake, Everyday I wake……

OK. That’s enough knowledge for now. When teaching middle school, I could usually tell when it was time to stop as the kids eyes glossed over, they started to fidget and their NHR BMP slipped below 50. Look it up.

Stay positive. Stay optimistic, and share this with anyone who may benefit or laugh. Life is good. If you are still reading, here is a surprise bonus. Today is my lovely wife’s birthday. Feel free to spam her email: bentleydesign@msn.com. She’s in her mid-40’s now, but I shouldn’t tell you that.