PSI

PSI represents pounds per square inch and is usually referenced in tire pressure in your vehicle. A quick Google search also turns up some sort of test proctor that seems to have inflated value of themselves. Inflated value. See what I did there? I didn’t even use AI. I’m still quick witted at age 51 over here. Well, in my little corner of the universe, PSI stands for something that you all may find funny. PSI in the Moeschen household means Pork Shoulder Incident. What could this possibly mean? Unless you are a full on vegan, my somewhat regular loyal readers, you will never shop for meat the same way again after I regale you with this ditty. I have obtained permission from my wife, who features prominently in this tale. I have also included a take home message for all of you at the close, but I’ll put it here as well: It is not advisable to drink alcohol before going to the grocery store.

Once upon a time when our children were small, Vanessa and I realized that we no longer had much “us” time and so we grabbed an hour or two here or there in anyway that we could. A few times we grabbed a quick half hour sharing a drink and an appetizer at a local pub before going to the grocery store. Our thought was to shop after a quick bite would cut down on impulse food purchases. I was raised to follow a list, get only what you need, and flee the store. Vanessa’s upbringing was to have plan, but keep an eagle eye for things that are “ON SALE” as well. So it goes. Sometimes you can’t pass it up I guess.

Well, one fine summer day we found ourselves having a margarita before shopping. I had one, Vanessa had slightly more. I was driving and I also had business at Staples, located next door to the Supermarket because…..America.

Anyway, we parked and I went into Staples to have some copies made and we decided whoever finished first would come to the location of the other. (follow this logic?). I made my copies and was waiting in Staples for what seemed like a very long time, and still no Vanessa. The shopping list wasn’t too long, but the store is always busy, so I chalked it up to people in line at the checkout or something. Alas, I was finished so I entered the Supermarket to find my wife. I didn’t have far to look. She was in the checkout line, her face beet red and down the conveyer belt slowly rolled 4 gigantic frozen pork shoulders along with the rest of our groceries.

“They were going to throw them away!” She exclaimed over the noise of plastic bags, the beep beep of the checkout scanner, and voices of people shopping. “I got a great deal, and they were just going to waste all this meat. You’ll be fine.” Vanessa said, holding up her hand to shut me down while reacting to my jaw dropping look.

“So?” I replied from the end of the metal shopping cart that was about to be loaded with about 23 tons of pork. “What the hell are we going to do with all of this meat? I don’t even like pork. I leave you alone in here and this is what happens?” I laughed as the bag guy shrugged as if to say ‘I hear you brother.’ I thought it was funny but I also thought that she had invited the Romanian Army over for dinner without telling me. I waited until we were out by the car to continue my verbal assault over the frozen shopping cart of pork.

“What in God’s name made you buy 4 pork shoulders and where are we going to store this? Are we going to the fire station or the church or something?” I was laughing, but also wondering how much this cost and for what.

Vanessa’s voice rose: “Listen. I’m pretty buzzed, and I had an idea for this cuban pork dish but they didn’t have any other pork left except the shoulder. The butcher guy told me that it expires tomorrow so he gave me a deal, but then he said he had 3 more. I asked him what he was going to do with the other 3, and he said he was going to throw them away. I felt bad seeing that go to waste, so I told him that I would take all 4. They were only like 3 bucks each!” Vanessa explained this to me like it made perfect sense. I was sober, but I knew that if I was a little tipsy it might compute. I wasn’t convinced though. As we stood there in the sun, with porky pig shoulder abound, I tried another angle:

“OK, so I guess then we will come back tomorrow for all of the meat that’s leftover then? We can get 832 lamb chops, or 50 lbs. of ground beef? Damn, we better head to another grocery store on the way home in case they have frozen meat over there too. We can be the meat rescue patrol. We’re gonna need a bigger freezer. We’re gonna need a bigger boat. Where’s Jaws? Maybe we can buy his ass too, since they might throw away the leftovers. Did you get EVERYTHING else you need for this pork dish or would you like another margarita first? Honey.”

She laughed. I laughed. We put the pork in the car next to the ice cream. We could have driven several hours in the hot car without anything melting next to all that frozen meat. We drove home and unloaded our butcher shop inventory into the freezer. To this day I have no idea how in the hell my wife fit all that pork shoulder in. It got even more ridiculous when she informed me that we would NOT be having pork that night due to it being “too frozen to thaw before dinnertime.”

She never made the cuban pork dish, but days later, a search tab left open on the laptop revealed a query for “pork shoulder recipes.” We had several hit and miss pork feasts over the next several months, and because I am an asshole, anytime Vanessa said “What do you feel like for dinner?” you can bet your bell-bottom blue jeans that I replied PORK with a toothy grin on my face. Ladies and gentlemen, I do not advise alcohol consumption right before food shopping, but if you do…..beware the PSI. (Pork Shoulder Incident)

Stay safe, stay awesome, and eat more salad.

A final note: later that summer, while we were up north, there was a power outage at the house which was long lasting enough that upon our return, we had to clear the freezer and fridge due to spoilage. We have since purchased a home generator so we will never lose future pork, but I’m pretty sure we had to chuck at least 2 of the pork rescues that day. I still have not shed a tear.