AN IMPORTANT DEBATE

O.K. When growing up, I assumed that everyone lived like me. Actually, I didn’t think about it until I started visiting friend’s houses in elementary school. I learned that not everyone eats dinner at 6pm. I learned that some families have multiple floors AND multiple bathrooms. I realized that some families have 2 parents who work, only 1 parent living there, grandparents, and/or multiple pets. I learned that some people leave the TV on all day with no one watching it and I learned that fuzzy toilet seat covers are a real thing.

In high school I learned that not everyone keeps a clean car, a clean locker or even a clean lifestyle if I may be clear. These were big realizations in my life of the fact that everyone lives and functions on different levels. Everyone defines “normal” differently. There is no universal “normal.” Things are only “normal” to you.

In college I learned that when you live outside the house, the dirty dishes stay in the sink, and begin to smell. I learned that laundry is a pain in the ass, and that not everyone caps the toothpaste after using it. I learned that people argue over cans of soup and boxes of Mac&Cheese since everyone is poor and tracks what they buy and eat. I learned that I vacuumed more frequently than my roommate and that you didn’t always need to hang up your clothes (although I still did). I learned that people can debate whether or not the proper way to hang a roll of toilet paper is by allowing it to be pulled from over or under the roller bar (it’s over….fight me) OR that it’s ok to just leave multiple rolls on the back of the toilet, on the windowsill or the floor. It is NOT ok to use the last square and leave the empty cardboard tube there for the next user. Do you check for toilet paper before you sit down? Likely not…..exactly.

Marriage brings more discussions. Let’s not get started on the proper way to load the dishwasher, or if shoes can be worn inside the house (no). Apparently there’s also only one way to fold clothes (I do it wrong….or used to when I could haha) and there is a proper way to dust, clean, wipe, arrange, and re-arrange nicknacks. Who knew that you should dust picture frames and behind doors that haven’t been closed in 10 years? What’s normal? We wash the window screens only in the spring, but the windows get sprayed and wiped anytime company is coming. Mostly the inside of the windows….but if it’s important company, then look out. Fresh windows inside and out. At times like these, I take the kids to McDonalds or the park…. For hours. Normal. Love my wife! Can I sleep inside tonight? Normal?

Well, this brings me to this week’s sticky issue in American society: dryer lint.

I have a wonderful neighbor who I will call Karyn. She’s not a “Karen”, she’s a Karyn (note the spelling). I don’t connect with Karyn nearly as often as I should; I had all 3 of her kids in middle school, and I have known Karyn since high school but we don’t hang out much. She’s awesome and we are going to change that. She’s a wonderful human with a big heart. In my world this is a normal trait of a friend. Anyway, Karyn and I had an intense conversation, beginning in her driveway at dusk last night about life. She is in a bit of a transition, and just purchased a new house. While waiting to move, she is renting part of a house across the street from me (following along?). I heard a rattling noise and jokingly said “Sounds like your washing machine might be going.” She told me that it was her air conditioning and that there was no washer and dryer on the premises. “Bummer” I replied. This is where the conversation turned to shock and awe. What follows is a transcription of what my brain remembers:

Karyn: No! It’s good that I have no washer and dryer or I would have burned the house down.

Patrick: What the hell are you talking about? Don’t be such a Karen, Karyn.

Karyn: I have to explain. Tell me if this is normal. Apparently you have to clean the lint filter thing in your dryer EVERY TIME you use it! I had no idea. I don’t even pay attention to it. I swear my mom never taught me this growing up. I had an argument with my boyfriend and he thinks I’m crazy and that it’s a miracle that I never burned down a house. Seriously he couldn’t believe that I didn’t know this. In all the years living in my house, I guess maybe my ex checked on it? But here’s the thing: I immediately called one of my girlfriends and asked her and she goes: duh. Karyn, everyone knows that. You should clean it every time you use the dryer. It can start a fire.

Patrick: hmm. well.

Karyn: No! wait! (pointing at me and speaking rapidly). So I thought, ok, my friend is a nut also, so I’ll call my little sister. We grew up in the same house. Obviously someone will be on my side here. So I call her and right away she’s laughing at me saying ‘everyone in the modern world knows this, how can you not clean the lint? You’re disgusting and a disgrace to the family name’ (sounds like 2 sisters right?). Can you believe it? What the hell? I’m 53 years old, and no one ever told me this. What about you and your wife? You’re totally going to have this conversation when you go across the street!

Patrick: hmmm. well. I know that you need to keep an eye on the lint buildup but I don’t think you need to, like, scrape it down each time. I will tell you that Vanessa balls it up and puts it in a box.

Karyn: ? (looking at me like….it’s time for you to go you psycho)

Patrick: We saw a hack on some Instatok site about putting dryer lint inside an empty toilet paper tube to use as campfire starters. My kids make them up at the lake to start our s’mores fires. See…while you don’t clean it, we ball up the lint and my kids use it to start fires. It’s like cover….and carry. Cover and carry the lint to the fire! This whole conversation is fascinating and bizarre. YOU are being threatened with arson while my kids actively light lint on fire. The world is the upside down. Stranger Things is calling from Netflix. Damn.

Curtain and…..scene.

So. I go home and relay all of this to my wife. She picks up my phone, dials Karyn and begins to debate the great lint act of 2023. Karyn calls her boyfriend and now we are on a party line (look it up kids). I’m chiming in and the four of us are yapping away like a government delegation attempting to denuclearize the Korean peninsula. All this time, my kids are looking at us like we are nuts. My wife takes the phone out to the kitchen and I say to my boys: “See, everyone thinks that everyone’s house and routines are the same. Especially when you’re a kid. It’s not always like that. You will see when you start hanging out at friend’s houses more. There is no real thing as normal. It’s only how you define it.”

Teddy (age 6) Daddy, that’s too many words. I already brushed, and I’m getting into your side of the bed naked to snuggle and read a book. (normal)

Tim (age 9) Teddy, I call toothpaste, I call daddy’s side, I call mommy reads. I call infinity.

Normal.

Stay safe, stay lint free, and stay tuned. So, what’s the right answer? The NORMAL ANSWER?? I await your lint comments below. First response and my kids will make you a fire-starter. Patty? Carole? Taylor? Bueller? Bueller? Frye?