GAMES

I’m an ’80’s kid. Growing up I was a board game kid. I thought everyone had family game night. At our house it was Clue, or Monopoly when the whole family sat down, usually on a Saturday night. Looking back on those years, it was family bonding time except for one problem: when playing Monopoly, my father actually “played.” I mean played to win and crush his son and daughter haha. Mom was also collateral damage, but if you know Helen, you can almost hear her saying: “Ok, you can have Boardwalk AND Park Place. I don’t mind kids.”

It could get brutal. The deals, free trips around the board, cash flying, Mr. Mustard in the study with the candlestick, Mrs. White taking a ride on the Reading Railroad, and all of it. If my father was every losing (RARE), he would get all pissy and announce “This board folds up at 9:30 and it’s time to brush teeth kids. Chop CHOP!” Sore loser my old man.

I have fond memories of these times and believe it or not, I was NOT the guy who hid money under the board, or stiffed someone on their rent when they weren’t paying attention. Side note, does your family put $500 on free parking? Please comment if yes/no and I would love to hear your special house rules…..Everyone has them. I also wonder if anyone has written the book entitled: “Psychology, dysfunction, and Your Family. A Study of the Monopoly Board Game.” Dear sister if you are reading this, let’s put a proposal together. THIS topic will be a best seller…

Anyway, maybe you are actually reading to comprehend and so by now you are wondering where the hell this essay is going. Wait no more, ALL my blogs are about life and so here’s the point: I have recently (this summer) taught my kids how to play Monopoly, and I told my wife that I would never play to win, like my old man did. I play to bond, and if she ever catches me actively bankrupting my own children while gloating about it, she should call out “GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL. DO NOT PASS GO AND DO NOT COLLECT $200.” So far so good. We are having a blast playing as a family in the evenings once or twice a week during this rainy New Hampshire summer. My math crazed, logic learning, left-brained kids are WAY into this game. Perhaps too much. The other night they were still trying to cut deals when we took a break for the night, with the game still set up on the dining room table. I caught Tim, in the dim light, before heading up to bed, looking over the board. When I asked him what he was doing, he replied: “Daddy, I’m calculating where it’s safe to land, and where I’m going to get crushed. I think the safest spot on the board right now might be jail.” I laughed. Looking at the board, I realized that he was right. Lot’s of houses and hotels all around the square. The green and red plastic conjuring memories of childhood, with a splash of The Soprano’s episode where Tony gets punched in the face during family Monopoly and crashes head first to the floor with a red hotel piece stuck to his face. Brilliant scene and another step toward my Monopoly Dysfunction Book Idea.

The next morning, Teddy crawled into bed with me and whispered in my ear: “Daddy, I am going to win On-opoly, but I will still make some deals with you for the green’s.”

It was hilarious, but here’s the topper from a recent game:

Mommy: “I’m not going to buy this utility.”

Ted bids $200 and gets it. A few turns later, Tim realizes that he needs it to complete a color and begin to add houses…

Tim: “Ted, I’ll buy that from you for $300. C’mon Ted, that’s $100 more than you paid.”

Ted: “Never. I’ll never sell it. Get wrecked.”

Tim: “Ted. C’Mon Ted. $350.”

Ted: “$800!.”

Tim: “800??????!!!” *Long Pause*….”O.k. I really need it.”

Ted: “Yes, sweet cash. I’m rich, I’m rich and I own Boardwalk and ParkPlace. Everyone is going down. Daddy.”

Me: “Yes Ted?”

Ted: “Daddy, I will make a deal with you: For the rest of the game, I will give you tax evasion on Boardwalk and ParkPlace for the whole game, if you pay me twelve hundred right now. Tax evasion.”

We all cracked up. I was dying with laughter and looking over at him as he blew on the dice and continued to shake them, I asked: “Ted, how do you know about tax evasion? What IS tax evasion Ted?”

Ted: “That’s when you don’t even pay your taxes and the government doesn’t get rich anymore and you keep your money. With tax evasion that I will give you daddy….you can make more deals. It will just be twelve hundred right now. Look at your fat stacks (of money) right there. You can do twelve hundred Daddy. Daddy?”

Me: “Ted….how do you know this? Who are you?

Ted: (big grin across his face) “I’m Trump.”

Mic drop.

Stay safe, stay awesome, stay tuned, and you have just won 2nd place in a beauty contest. Collect $10.