A LOVE STORY

I am often asked how someone with a chronic health condition using a wheelchair full-time can actually have a romantic relationship. (Yes, I’m serious). I am happy to say that as an adult, I have had several romantic relationships. As a youngster, I had no game, but as my personality grew, so did my self-worth, which led to rejection not bothering me as much as when I was in high school and college. I believe all of us should be able to find love. Keeping it requires effort, compromise, and trust, but those are topics for another post. Today I would like to tell you the crazy story of how I met the love of my life, my wife, Vanessa. Maybe I should call this: You Gotta Put Yourself Out There…

In the fall of 2008, the middle school where I teach, hired a new Spanish teacher. She was Polish and as white as they come. You should see this gal dance. It’s like Elaine in Seinfeld…but I digress. When I met her, I thought, she’s cute, seems fun, is motivated, driven and intelligent. Cool. We hung out in teacher groups in and out of school for almost two years, though neither of us were single at the same time. In fact, at one point, the man she was dating (a chef) came into school to do a cooking demonstration for her classes. I met him and thought to myself: “This guy who looks disheveled and clueless gets her? I can blow this dude away.”

Fast forward to the spring of 2010 and now we are both single. We hang out at backyard end of school year party, enjoying a barbecue, laughs, several ginger ales and great company. We agree to have a date at a local bar the next evening. I bring back up just in case. In case something goes wrong and I am sitting in my manual wheelchair with no one to help me out at the end of the night. I am brave, but asking complete strangers to load my chair in my trunk and help me into my car is a little out of my comfort zone. Another couple joined us and we had a great time. We left things somewhat loose after that as summer vacation began. I knew I liked her, but having been burned in previous relationships when things got serious (1,2+ years and talking about the future scared some women off), I was nervous as to what would happen. Turns out, I had no idea what was about to happen…

Last week of June, 2010 and I find myself in Denver, where I have been asked to deliver the keynote address at Parent Project Muscular Dystrophy’s annual connect conference. My talk was to focus on the upside of life, and the medical vs. social model of disability. Good stuff right? Yeah, all the good speakers were booked and so there I was. Two nights before my talk, I had arrived in Denver with my sister and mom, who traveled a lot with me in those days, as the conference also held break out sessions for siblings and parents about coping. A big group of conference attendees went to a baseball game to see The Colorado Rockies play my Boston RedSox. We sat high above right field watching the game as the sun set in the west. The Rocky Mountains were in view and it was a gorgeous night. Out of nowhere, I get a text from Vanessa asking me how everything was going and if I had any fun plans for the summer. I told her that I always have fun plans and was currently watching the Sox in Denver, while I was about to give a featured talk in front of hundreds of families, doctors, and scientists from all over the world. (This my friends is how you spit “mad game” as the youngsters say). Impressed? You should be. Just kidding.

We messaged back and forth and then, thinking my next message would receive no answer, I typed:

“Yeah. It’s going to be great. I’m nervous, but I love public speaking. People have to learn that having a disability is not all bad. Maybe you should fly out here and hear the talk.”

-Pat Moeschen, complete moron

I waited. Waited some more. Vanessa was waitressing part time for side money and so I wasn’t sure if she was busy or finally thought that I was a creep. Tick, tick, tick. My sister was on to me. She knew I was texting a woman, since I have the worst poker face ever. I told her what I wrote and she shook her head, laughed at me and said something along the lines of: “Well, you really don’t go half-assed ever do you?”

The response text came a moment later:

“I’ve never been to Denver. Don’t invite me if you’re not serious, because I WILL get on a plane.”

-Vanessa Bentley, crazy double X chromosomes

I’ll admit that I was shocked. Was she really going to do this? An hour later she told me she found a cheap flight from Boston, through St. Louis to Denver arriving the next afternoon. I now had to tell my family that I had just invited a colleague that I didn’t know well, a female, was coming out for the weekend. My sister, ever so chill simply said “cool, it will be nice to meet her.” My Italian mother exclaimed, “Well, I hope she’s going to get her own room!” Thanks for the vote of classiness and confidence ma. Yes, I’m booking her a room, don’t worry. The Holy Ghost will have plenty of room.

Vanessa arrived, watched my talk, met a bunch of people and families, enjoyed laughs, Mojitos and great food. Everyone thought we were together already. Then we were. We spent most of that summer together, and as our relationship grew, we talked about the hard stuff. She convinced me that it would be awesome to have kids. She convinced me that I am worthy of lifelong love. She grounded me. She gets me, and doesn’t let me get any zingers in without zinging back. She makes me a better person. We are coming up on 10 years married and she has yet to push my face into a bowl of broken glass. She is awesome, kind, caring, and patient. I love her. Vanessa …my world, and THE world is so much better with you in it. I love you hunny.

Stay awesome, stay safe, and stay tuned.