So this is a post that I have been circling around for awhile. If you are a Star Wars fan, this will mean more to you than those loyal readers who have never seen any of the movies. Fear not though….you will laugh anyway, trust me.
I was 4, going on 5 when the original Star Wars movie (A New Hope) came out in 1977. I have a clear memory of seeing it with my father at our local theater and him reading aloud to me, the giant yellow word crawl that opens the film. As soon as I saw Darth Vader at about 3 minutes in, I was both terrified and hooked. What a cool story with cool villains and heroes. I bought toy action figures, base model sets of Hoth, the Creature Cantina, and Dagobah as well as trading cards, a model or two and I proudly became a member of the Star Wars fan club which included a newsletter and access to buy my Luke Skywalker grappling hook with a long string from The Empire Strikes back so I could repel up to my imaginary AT-AT in the snow (side note, I always wanted an AT-AT, but they were expensive and so when mom took me and little sis to Child World we were always “Just LOOKING today kids…just looking. YEARS later (in 2019), my good friend FALKIN bought an AT-AT for my kids. Not gonna lie, I might have played with it late at night!)
Anyway, I was, am, and always will be a fan of the story. Naturally, when I had kids, I thought to myself: I CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH THE WHOLE Star Wars SAGA WITH THEM!!!
Fast forward as they are now old enough to enjoy and (basically) understand what is going on, and all I want them to do is SHUT UP! What follows, is an actual transcript (yes, I wrote this all down) from a few weeks ago while watching episode VI: Return of the Jedi. Again, if you haven’t seen it, you won’t get the full jokes, but the Force will be with you anyway. If you know the plot, I began to keep track of the kids comments just around the time Luke enters Jabba’s palace to bargain with him over the life of Han Solo…..the kid questions start and my answers are after the dots…..until I gave up. Enjoy the laughs…
Did Jabba just say banana folder?……No Ted…he said “Bantha Fodder” It’s a joke that means animal poop.
How does Leia know how to turn off the carbonite?………Well Tim I think she just looks at the buttons.
Where does Jabba sleep?…..Ted, right where he sits, I think he’s too big to move.
Why does Chewy go to the palace?…..Well Tim he goes to meet up with everyone for the rescue.
Is Jabba the king?……Huh Ted? The King of what?
Why is he master Luke?…..Guys he’s a Jedi.
Did Jabba call Luke the Master Wong?……(now I’m laughing too hard so I just record their questions and try not to let on that I’m also getting annoyed….you CAN’T make this stuff up!!)
What’s a master wong?…….my wife in the background: Not Daddy! (thanks honey)
Why does Jabba have a dancer girl on a chain?…….ask Uncle Mike when you see him.
Why would you have a dancer girl on a chain?…..again, ask Uncle Mike. I think he knows.
Why does Jabba eat frogs?
Can we eat frogs?
There was a frog in the pond.
Ribbit
The rancor is not scary
I don’t mind the crunchy noise when the rancor dies.
His friends are sad.
Why is Leia on the chain now?
Why is she almost naked?…….yeah. I’m not even trying to touch that one. Sorry kids.
Why is Han blind?
What is terminated immediately?
What is digested?
What is a thousand years?
Why is it the last mistake?
It’s sunny on their planet.
It’s hot in the sun
Why does the barge keep going in circles?
What is a big light blur?
Is R2 still charging up that lightsaber?
What is worm ridden filth?
Does Jabba mean it daddy? When he calls everyone filth? They all look pretty clean except for maybe Han since he’s been in the carbonate. Can he breathe in there? Is it cold? Why did Jabba hang him on the wall? What do you mean he owed him money? Was it a lot? Like a thousand or a trillion? If he hangs him up frozen like that, Han will never pay him.
What is put him in?
Why does the sarlac burp?
Why does Luke jump to the next barge?
There’s where boba fett goes in!
Daddy, where the rebel base?
Those red guys protecting the Emperer? They’re more bad than the stormtrooper guys.
The Emperor is old. Is he older than Gram?
He wears makeup like mommy.
Why does R2 chirp?
Is yoda dying?
Is that what it feels like when you die?
When will I die?
Where do I go after that?
Are there cookies?
Do we have cookies?
Can I have a cookie?
Cookies are good!
What about 3 cookies? It is the way of the force?
Is Luke really a Jedi?
Why does he have to confront Vader?
What is confront?
Why would I confront someone?
Why is Darth Vador Luke’s father again?
Why is he his father?
Who is unexpected?
What is the truth?
Why does yoda need to rest?
What is another sky walker?
Mommy, yoda is dying!
Am I dying?
What time is it?
Why is Ben a ghost?
Why are ghosts?
Can we see ghosts?
How do they steal the shuttle?
I mean how did they get that?
They should really make a movie on that. There could be a whole show on how the rebel guys steal that shuttle. They don’t even show us that part. Where was it before? I mean, the bad guys would notice if a whole ship was missing. C’mon.
Do they know how to drive that ship daddy?
Are the Ewoks coming up?
What’s a funny feeling?
See what this piece of junk can do?
Does it look like a piece of junk daddy?
Does it daddy?
This thing is gonna light speed jump? How fast is light speed? Can we do that in real life if we had like a Lambo or a Tesla? When is the jungle part where they fly through the big trees? Does anyone live on Endor or just the Ewoks? What do they eat? I don’t see any farms. That forest is big, why is there only one village?
Stay tuned for commentary on The Book of Bobba Fett. I AM having trouble following the story as it tangents all over the place, so I am sure we are in for more laughs….
Until then, I think Obi Wan said it best when he asked: Who is more foolish? The fool or the fool who follows him?
Stay safe, stay awesome and stay tuned.
Patrick moeschen 